


Agape

by Baamon5evr



Series: In The Way Of The Greeks [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Developing Relationship, Friendship/Love, Gen, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Steve Rogers Feels, Survivor Guilt, Veterans, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 02:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15698142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: People thought Steve had a chip on his shoulder. He was the little guy, he was always the little guy, and his penchant for fighting much larger guys only got worse with age. Everyone he knew in his little bubble in Brooklyn was his family. This place was his home. How was he supposed to sit back and do nothing while some bully pushed these people around just for the hell of it? Joining the army was barely a choice in the face of all that.~~~*~~~Sam liked helping people. It wasn’t something that he could say had a set beginning, there was no point in time that he could arrow as the start of this passion. It was just always something that was a part of him. When the call came out for soldiers he hesitated. He thought of his family and their reactions. Ultimately though, it was his life and the decision would be up to him. There were all these people he wanted to help and this way he could help them all.





	Agape

**Author's Note:**

> A part of a series that is intended to explore the parallels and the roles of different kinds of love in Steve and Sam's lives as they stumble their way into a relationship.  
> [We'll see just how successful I am at that.]

**Agape (Love for everyone)** : _A love that you extend to all people, whether family members or distant strangers._

* * *

 

People thought Steve had a chip on his shoulder. It wasn’t hard to figure out why. He was the little guy, he was always the little guy, and his penchant for fighting much larger guys only got worse with age. His mother had exhausted all her words, Bucky fought alongside him as much as he chastised him and his neighbors and friends always warned him to just back down but he never could.

Everyone he knew in his little bubble in Brooklyn was his family. This place was his home. How was he supposed to sit back and do nothing while some bully pushed these people around just for the hell of it? Life had done that quite enough to all of them and if Steve could do something to ease the pain in the heart of Mrs. Jones whose bakery kept getting vandalized or Sally whose greatest offense was ignoring some jerk catcalling her or Mr. Spiegelman who never hurt anybody but still got tormented by Nicky and his rat pack, then he had no right to do anything less than that.

Joining the army was barely a choice in the face of all that.

**~*~*~**

Sam liked helping people.

It wasn’t something that he could say had a set beginning, there was no point in time that he could arrow as the start of this passion. It was just always something that was a part of him. He enjoyed helping his grandmother with little things like getting the remote and holding open doors and carrying her groceries. When she was older and the Alzheimer’s got bad, he would help her with her medication and food, help her get out of bed, keep her from hurting herself and generally keep her comfortable until she had to be admitted to a hospital after suffering a heat stroke.

He liked helping people he didn’t know as well. Things as little as helping tourists with directions always gave him a pep in his step. He didn’t know why, it just always had.

But joining the army was totally different. Sam sat and watched the live news footage of 9/11. He watched well into the night as the borough of Manhattan was all but reduced to a dust cloud. He was 21 at the time and he barely knew what he wanted to do with his life. He took college classes and was getting his bachelor’s in psychology, but he was more enthusiastic about his volunteer work than anything else at the time.

When the call came out for soldiers he hesitated. He thought of his family and their reactions. He didn’t think his father would be pleased. He wasn’t sure what his mother would think. Sarah already knew and while apprehensive, she supported him. Gideon would think he was being irrational and should focus on his studies. Misty flat out refused to even consider it an option for him. Ultimately though, it was his life and the decision would be up to him.

The more he walked past the missing persons posters and the more information that came out about what had happened and how many people died, the military seemed like the logical choice more and more. There were all these people he wanted to help and this way he could help them all.

**~*~*~**

“Do you ever regret it?” Sam asked Rogers as they sat across from each other at the Thai place close to Sam’s job. Captain America actually showing up to the VA despite his invitation, specifically for him, was still something that had him slightly dumbstruck, but he kept up jovial appearances. It seemed to be going over well because Rogers was smiling and laughing along with his jokes, even the corny ones, and was making jokes of his own. Sam wasn’t sure how the conversation turned to talk of their respective military services but the question seemed natural to ask.

“Do you ask the vets you counsel that question?” Rogers asked in response, his voice lacking any heat or malice as he ate another forkful of his phat si-io. He seemed to like it.

“I ask every vet I meet that question. I always get different answers. I guess I used to ask it so I could figure out if I regretted it.” Sam replied openly, stirring his kaeng som.

“And do you regret it?” Rogers asked him. Sam gave that question the adequate amount of thought it deserved, like he always did.

“Honestly? Depends on my mood most days. Sometimes I think of how Riley died or the people I couldn’t save or the people I’ve killed who may not have been the villains I was led to believe they were and I regret ever meeting with a recruiter. Other times, I remember how quiet it was on September 11th and how somber the days that followed were. I think of how many people died that day and the days after and I hope that I was able to do some good. So, I don’t know if regret is the right word but I’ve felt remorse. I’ve felt guilt.” Steve listened to all he had said studiously.

“You did good, hard work. I looked up pararescue when I had the time. You did a lot more than just give back to your country.” Rogers assured him.

“Stop, you’re going to make me blush.” They easily slipped back into conversation and Sam pretended not to notice that Steve never answered his question.

Sam didn’t get an answer until months later.

They were both exhausted after another hard day of dismantling HYDRA bases. Searching for the Winter Soldier had been taking a back seat on and off as they discovered more and more active HYDRA bases and undercover agents embedded in various positions of power and influence. Sam could see the toll it was starting to take on Steve, could see him growing angrier and angrier. He almost didn’t want to say anything but he didn’t have a choice soon enough.

Sam walked through the cold, desolate base. It had been abandoned some time ago but according to Agent Romanoff and Director Fury there was still files and information to be found, perhaps something that could point them to Barnes' location or patch his hazy history together. Whether or not that was something they should be doing, Sam didn’t know. He was inclined to agree with Romanoff that perhaps they shouldn’t be pulling this thread, but they’d already started and Sam wanted to help Barnes. He felt for the guy even though he’d broken his wings. If it was Riley or anyone else in Sam’s pararescue crew, he’d do the same thing Steve was doing.

He was flipping through some of the physical files while Steve dealt with the computer side, putting his skills acquired through Natasha’s tutelage to use, when Sam heard crashing and glass breaking. His heart leapt in his throat, wondering if there were agents still around. He made his way cautiously to Steve’s location and paused when he saw him sitting in the corner of the room. His shoulders were shaking and his head was down. Sam could see that his knuckles were bruised and bleeding in some places. He sighed and holstered his gun in response. He figured something like this would happen eventually but he hoped it would be in the (relative) safety of a motel room and not a HYDRA base, however abandoned it was.

Steve looked up as Sam approached him, a carefully crafted look of sympathy on his face. He knew Steve would balk at pity. His face was red from holding back tears and he turned his head away as Sam got closer, not wanting him to see. Sam was used to that so he sat beside Steve rather than in front of him and gently took his hand to assess the damage. Sam glanced up at the computer monitors which Steve had apparently punched if the giant holes in the glass was any indication. He’d done so to two other monitors and the fourth was smashed to pieces across the room. There was a fifth one that was left unscathed during Steve’s tear. Hopefully it held all the same information as the other ones.

“I lost our data.” Steve said after a moment as Sam idly pulled stray glass out of Steve’s hand. It was only shallow cuts; his hand would be healed in under an hour.

“You could’ve lost your hand.” Sam replied to which Steve scoffed but didn’t say anything further on that subject.

“Natasha will kill me if I lose this info.”

“I know any clue is a good one to find Barnes but—”

“It’s not just about Bucky.” Steve replied sharply. Sam’s fingers paused, hovering over Steve’s tightly clenched fist so they didn’t become an unintended casualty to Steve’s superior strength. Eventually he relaxed and looked over at Sam apologetically.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re the last person I need to tell that to. You don’t even know him and you’re looking for him. I’m sure you have reasons beyond my understanding but still.” Steve said, his voice tired and remorseful.

“It’s okay. I knew this would be hard.”

“I did too. I know it doesn’t seem that way but I did. I just… maybe it was stupid to think he was the only one, that they never did… _that_ to anyone but Bucky. It isn’t just him though, it never was. But I swear it wasn’t just about him for me, not before and not now.” Steve said, sounding like a man desperately trying to convince anyone who heard him including himself.

“Hey, I believe you man.” Sam replied softly.

“Let's get out of here. We can come back tomorrow, salvage what we can.” Steve nodded weakly in response, allowing Sam to help him up. Sam knew he was exhausted because usually he’d protest much more than this. They silently made their way out of the base, grabbing some of the tangible files on the way, and drove back to the motel.

Sam took a shower before Steve even though he tried to convince the blonde to go in first. He took the time to relax and reflect under the water. He knew Bucky wasn’t the only one tortured and brainwashed. He could see the signs in bases they’d visited and beyond that he didn’t put something like this past a Nazi terrorist organization, but he supposed denial stopped Steve from admitting it. Sam couldn’t say he knew why it was hitting Steve quite so hard. It was horrific, the experiments done on innocent people and a lot, if not all of them, had died in the process. It sickened Sam that something like that was happening to people, a lot of them POWs, who had no hope of rescue. Sam had had to let himself feel that hurt and pain, let it wash over him and through him before continuing on. He had the tools to do so, Steve didn't. Steve had a penchant for taking the blame for things beyond his control, Sam found. Perhaps that was the source of this pain, in which case Sam wanted to remedy that. He cared for Steve, he even considered him a friend and not just someone to look up to or admire.

When he left the shower, his sweats slung low on his hips and shirtless, Steve was laying on his bed curled up on his side with the TV playing on low. He could feel Steve staring at him as he looked through his suitcase for a shirt and he would usually make some flirty comment guaranteed to make him blush but Steve was doing the thing where he tried to make himself look smaller and his eyes were red so Sam held his tongue. Once he found a shirt he hesitated before walking over to Steve’s bed and sitting beside him. Steve glanced at him but didn’t otherwise move.

“Not taking a shower?” Steve shrugged in response. Sam nodded before grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels. There wasn’t much in the way of entertainment but _Bad Boys II_ was on FX which meant there’d be about a million commercials but Sam didn’t mind that. They were up to a car chase when Steve finally spoke.

“I do regret it sometimes.”

“Hmm?” Sam asked.

“Joining the army. Sometimes I regret it.” Sam looked over at Steve with an open expression so he didn’t scare him.

“I was so gung-ho. I wanted to prove myself. To other people sure, but mostly to myself. I didn’t think of things in a long-term sense. I wasn’t supposed to live past five-years-old let alone see 25. Once, when I was seven, I got sick pretty badly. Worse than usual. It was a harsh winter. The doctor told my mother that she shouldn’t expect me to outlive her, that she’d have to bury me one day. Probably sooner rather than later. I counted on that, you know? I counted on me living on borrowed time. It was easier in a way. I knew I wouldn’t have to lose the people I love and I knew there were just some things I probably wouldn’t ever experience. I wouldn’t ever get married and the way most people reacted to me, I figured love was out of the cards entirely and that was okay. I accepted that. Then my mom died and I fell in love and lost that too and then Bucky got drafted and it just seemed like… there were all these people in my neighborhood and I just watched them disappear one by one. They were just gone. It’s stupid, it’s… it had nothing to do with me, I couldn’t control anything that happened then but I wanted to join because I figured… it wasn’t fair that the person who, by all accounts, should’ve died years before got to sit home while everyone else was off getting themselves killed.” Sam nodded in understanding as Steve looked up at him with wet eyes.

“I believed in it, Sam. I believed that, as a country, we could make a difference and do good. I wanted people like Bucky and Alan and Tosh to survive because I believed in them and then I met Erskine and he changed everything and I believed I could do good too, that I could change things but what did I change?” Sam wondered who those last two people were but he didn’t say anything, just listened.

“That was supposed to be the war to end all wars and that didn’t happen. People were supposed to be safe and HYDRA was meant to be dead but that didn’t happen either. What did I actually do besides become a sensationalized story in a textbook?” Sam stared at Steve as a tear slipped down his anguished face.

“You saved people, Steve. That’s what you did. It doesn’t change the fact that people died or that they got hurt. There are some things that are just beyond our control no matter what we wish. I’m not going to lie to you, there are things that will haunt you forever and there are things you’re going to regret and maybe enlisting will always be one of them, maybe it won’t, but what matters is that you haven’t given up. You’re still fighting for the good side because you’re a good man. HYDRA is the asshole here, don’t ever forget that. You didn’t do anything to those people, you didn’t victimize or weaponize them. Don’t blame yourself for that, blame them. If you want to make it right, we keep doing what we’re doing. We go after them, dismantle what we can, help who we can and hope that we’re making enough of a difference and they won’t be able to do this to anyone else after this.” Sam replied, looking down on Steve with a sober, serious face. Steve nodded in response. Whether he believed anything Sam said was up for the jury but he did manage to take some steadying breaths before giving Sam a wane smile.

“I’m going to go shower, we can talk about retrieving the rest of the data when I come out.” Sam nodded as he watched Steve slog his way heavily towards the bathroom. Steve paused before he went inside and looked back at Sam.

“You’re a good man too, you know. One of best I’ve ever met.” Sam could feel his heart stutter in his chest at the intense look Steve was giving him. He pasted on an unaffected, slightly flirty grin.

“Aww shucks Cap, I didn’t know you liked me that much.” Sam watched Steve’s face turn as red as Agent Romanoff’s flaming locks.

“Um, I— shower.” Sam laughed lightly as Steve stuttered and scrambled away.

He was just too easy sometimes.


End file.
